Feature Article

I Lost My Son
by Carolee Parsons

This last year I lost my son. I had raised him from the time he was two months old until he was 16 on my own. He wanted to get to know his Dad who lived on the west coast and I live in the midwest.

My son is the strong willed type. I let him go, and honestly thought he would not like it, and he would be back in no time. Truth is that he does like living with his Dad. At 46, his dad has grown up and takes him everywhere when my son is not in school. He treats my teenage son like one of the guys. I think my son really wanted this.

So I insisted on a parenting agreement and made my ex-husband come to the midwest to sign it. My ex-husband now has custody, and I agreed to it. This is a man who did not see his son at all for four years. When he did see him it was two weeks out of every summer. I saw no child support for the first two years of my son's life.

When I finally got child support it was $200 a month. Nine months before my son left, I went for a raise in child support and got it. The raise was $565 a month. This is when the pressure for my son to come live with his dad started. I recognized it for what it was. My son does not think this is true.

I think of all those Shirley Temple movies where all the kids in orphanages dreamed of their parents suddenly coming to rescue them. I think my son had always dreamed of his Dad and how wonderful it would be to live with him.

I guess I can understand how my son feels, and I never fought this. I know a teenage boy needs to do guy things, and I am a boring female who works alot. I work alot because I have to. The whole thing feels so unfair. I made a lot of sacrifices for my son. When he was younger, I often worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads. I feel cheated, and I hurt. I also am feeling anger.

My son knows how I feel. There were fights before he left. I saw him briefly this summer because he had to take summer classes to graduate with the rest of his senior class this coming year.

I was hoping to hear from someone who had been through this same thing. I hurt so bad. My present husband has his own three kids. We married just before my son left. My son wanted this long before I married, and the present husband really is not the reason.

If there is a reason. It was my working so much. I tried to make a good life. We had some great vacations. I read him books, paid for private art and music lessons. I took him to swimming classes when he was little. There was little league and soccer. Later on, there was martial arts. I honestly believe I was a good mom, but I feel so cheated out of life. There were times I was not perfect. My son was not a studious child, and the school year has never been fun. He is very hyper. There have been times he skipped class and left high school an hour early.

I was never a smart kid, but I always tried hard to impress my teachers. I was a B+ student. My son is a C student, and he is very intelligent. My son tries when he likes a teacher and only does well in Spanish. It is the only subject I can rely on him doing well. There were some fights about his school work habits and his homework. Other than that, things were always okay. Summers were always wonderful times. I have lots of good memories of our summers.

Right now, that is all I have. He is gone. We saw each other briefly for a my brother's wedding in another state. We ocassionally email or call each other, but he is too far away to visit. There is such an empty feeling in my heart. My husband really does not understand how I feel. I guess he thought that his grown kids or the grandkids could take my son's place. They are okay, but they are not my son. How am I to get through this?

About the author:
If you would like to comment or talk with Carolee you can reach her at ucap004@home.com